Entering my third and final term in America, has forced me to acknowledge how far I’ve come. The other day I was thinking about how daunting the idea of moving to the US was. When I flew out, I didn’t even know where I was going to live, forget other challenges I would face. And yet sat in my room it was so weird to think I’d grown to love the unknown. How a place I had feared had now become so familiar.
“I’m lying on my bed with a million thoughts going around my head. The main one… “What am I doing?” I’m not normally an anxious person but I’m terrified. I can sometimes be a creature of habit, I like to have a routine and hate things being out of my control. So why am I going somewhere that counters everything that I’m comfortable with. An unpaid internship so far from home, for a year. I don’t even know one person who lives in Charlotte or even North Carolina. All I have is a feeling that I’m supposed to be there.”
That was something I wrote in my journal before I left. You can read more on how I felt about moving to America here: kookieonline.com/travel-diary-moving-america/
I was telling my US friends that I cried until I fell asleep on the plane on the way to the states and how I would do the same on the way home. It’s weird how the thought of leaving here brought about the same anxiety as when I was moving here. For example:
How am I going to adapt? (Being here has opened my eyes to so much. I always wonder how my experiences in the USA will shift my perception of the UK)
How will I cope with leaving the anti-human trafficking work that I do here?
Although my whole time in America has been one big testimony, the longer I’ve stayed here, I seem to have lost the awe of how I couldn’t be here if God had not pulled me through. The miracles pass by and not one praise passes my lips because I have allowed these things to become ordinary.
Studying the gospels recently helped me to see how the disciples may have probably felt similarly to how I do. Before Jesus came along and asked them to follow him, they were living ordinary lives. They took a faith step to drop everything and follow Jesus. I am sure at the start this was exciting and eye opening as it was unknown. After time, I feel like for some though they constantly witnessed miracles, it all may have become familiar. By the time Jesus was ascending back into heaven and they were losing their comfort, I’m sure anxiety about the future crept in.
Do I live in a cycle of trading the worry of one unknown for another?
I think the real problem is how I deal with change because it’s out of my control. I came across this quote “It is time to decide if our faith is going to be “a part” of our lives or if our faith will become our lives”. Faith just being a part of my life is reducing it to something I wheel out when a new challenge arises. It gets me through the hard time until I get to a place of comfort. Then I put away again until I need it next. However, if faith becomes my life, it means I’m not putting a cap on what God can do. By living a life open to the impossible (made possible), I live a life closed to the doubt about tomorrow.
So what does this mean?
This means that all my energy is going into making sure my last 3 months here are even better than the previous 9. (Which is hard because I’ve really lived my best life).